Join us for Lupercalia MMIX, February 13 to 15, 2009, the TENTH annual celebration of the Ancient Roman festival. This year's will be bigger and better as we expand the weekend-long fetish and fantasy event in a new venue.
 

Narrative from a workshop given to the Edmonton O Society

Types of First Real-time Contact

1. Moving from Cyber contact to the first real time meeting
2. Moving from a vanilla acquaintance to a first “play” contact
3. Moving from a friendship or acquaintance within the BDSM community to a first “play” session

Readying Yourself for the First Contact

It is vital to understand your motivation, interests, and boundaries/limits. Ask yourself these questions.

Are you ready for real-time contact or a first play session in general terms?
Are you ready for real-time contact or a first play session with the person in question?

What is your motivation?

- just curiousity - no intention to play with this person at all, ever
- casual one time
- casual on going
- hoping for a relationship
- need/want the experience that the other person offers
- sexual attraction
- intellectual attraction
- conquest

What are your interests and boundaries/limitations?

- bondage
- discipline
- role play
- mind control
- edge play
- pain, giving pain
- humiliation
- sex in all its forms
- public display
- and so on…

How I differentiate between boundaries and limits

Boundaries are fixed (or at least very, very slow to change). Boundaries are such that you do not wish for them to be tested or pushed. For example, scat play for most is a boundary. Other common ones are playing with underage persons (of course also against the law), causing permanent injury or scarring… you get the picture.

Limits are more temporal. They can change over time, but typically the understanding is that if they change it will be at a gradual, measured pace. The challenge is to not only understand what they are, but to also understand if and when and how to test them (or be tested by them). For example, anal play may be a limit now, but there is a desire to test it out over time, to the point that in the future it may not be a limit at all.

Reminder: there are people who say they don’t have any or many limits. Two things pop to mind here. Either the person is very inexperienced or the person is very experienced. It is important to differentiate between the two. Inexperienced people typically claim to have few or no limits because they lack the understanding of all that is possible in this lifestyle. They are naïve. When an experienced submissive/slave says he/she has no limits, it is typically in the context of that person giving over her/his limits to their Master/Mistress - because of a long standing relationship. That being said, generally speaking a person who says he or she has no limits is someone to be wary of.

Reminder: just because, for example, someone likes to be whipped and bruised on their ass does not necessarily mean they like nipple torture. In other words, extreme play in one area of the body should not be interpreted to mean extreme play all over the body is automatically okay.

Things to keep in mind

1. It is my opinion that two people who have never met before should refrain from play of any kind (sexual included) the first time they meet in real time. The first meeting should be devoted to a meeting of the minds, so to speak. Even if cyber sex and play have been prevalent up to now, the first real time meeting should be focused on getting to know one another further and, if warranted, explicit discussion (not hot chat) about potentially playing together. What might happen? Where would we go? What would be the time-frame? Discussion of boundaries and limits are mandatory. Remember… in this lifestyle consent is generally what makes the difference between assault and a great scene. Discussion about safe words as well should take place if you are serious about playing together. My rule is that if you can’t talk frankly about playing together, you should not be playing together. My reasons for no play on the first meeting is not rooted in moralism, but rather based on my own desire to promote safety.

2. However, before you go from cyber to a real time meeting, I strongly urge you to do the following:

a) Identify yourselves to each other. Real name, real phone number, real address, with some way of verifying this information. I also believe exchanging work information is warranted and should be verifiable. This is a hard one sometimes because many of us in the lifestyle wish to preserve a certain degree of anonymity to ensure our kink does not compromise our professional or family life.

b) There should be an exchange of photographs, and I mean face shots!

c) It would be advisable to know the make, colour, year, and license number of the person’s car.

d) In these times you might also want verification of a negative HIV test.

In practical terms, not all of these might be necessary, but the point is that people who enter into a power exchange should actually know one another. In real time, screen names are not enough.

3. Safe Calls

Even when meeting for the first time for a coffee, the submissive (though one could argue the Dom as well) should have a safe call.

This means that a trusted person will have a “dossier” on the person you are meeting and knows when and where you are meeting. You agree with the person you have appointed as your safe call that you will phone or be phoned (if you have a cell) at an exact time or times. You should have some kind of code worked out that you can use to denote that you are in trouble or that things are okay. The code is important because you might be talking to your safe call in front of your “date.”

Safe calls should continue beyond the first meeting and I suggest they should  occur during a play session. Once the trust is there, safe calls become unnecessary.

4. If you are uncomfortable or fearful during the first meeting, then leave. If you are afraid of arousing suspicion, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and then leave. The point is that it is better you be safe than worry about being rude.

5. If you are a submissive, remember there is a difference between your submissive orientation and being submissive to a Dominant. For example, you may be heterosexual but that does not mean you have sex with anyone or everyone. You owe no submission to the Dominant. The opposite is true as well of course. You may be a Dominant but you have no right to expect to dominate anyone who has not explicitly demonstrated her/his willingness to submit to you. Your first meeting should typically be as equals. Anyone who wants it otherwise should be viewed with considerable suspicion.

6. Warning Signs

a) The submissive cannot articulate her needs yet still wants to play
b) The Dom seems uninterested in the submissive’s boundaries or limits or worse, doesn’t even know what the terms imply (yet claims to be experienced).
c) Either party does not want you to ask others about them.
d) Either party becomes possessive quickly
e) Threats are made or implied, even threats like “if you talk to him or her, I will never talk to you again.”
f) Others you trust implicitly and who know this person are advising you against meeting him or her.
g) Either party is offended that you would want to check up on them.
h) Either party is intolerant of other races or orientations to the point of being upsetting to you.
i) Either party appears to be on drugs or a heavy drinker
j) Either party appears to have a short temper or be vindictive.

7. Negotiating the First Scene

The first scene should typically be a negotiated scene, especially when your initial relationship was formed in cyber space or is moving from a vanilla friendship to an intimate BDSM exchange. Be clear about what you want and don’t want. Talk about anything and everything. Discuss if there will be sex (of any kind). Be clear about how safe words work. 

8. Safe Words

Safe words are no guarantee with someone you do not fully trust. So forming the trust is paramount. Safe words are a tool within the trusting relationship, not a replacement for trust. I prefer the red, yellow, green  approach because it is easy to remember and it allows for more than just stopping a scene. When the Dom has any doubt how things are going, He/She can ask, “Are you still green?” The submissive can warn the Dom that things may be getting too intense or too close to a limit by saying “yellow.” This calls for an immediate change on the part of the Dom, or even a quick break to discuss things. When a submissive says “Red” that means, to me, that the scene must end for at least a period of time (half hour minimum), if not for the whole night. Any use of the code, “Red” should be followed up by honest discussion.

In the final analysis YOU are responsible for your own safety and your own exploration into BDSM. Do not give that way. If you do, you will be doing yourself a great disservice and ultimately place yourself at risk.